in which mr john learns his dog is a communist –

I didn’t need a rabid Trump supporter to tell me my dog is an asshole. I figured that out the first time she woke me up at three in the morning to go sniff the yard for ten minutes or the time she vomited between my legs in the middle of the night making me think I crapped the bed.

Mostly I don’t drive anymore. My wife doesn’t trust me to be safe and most of the time she isn’t wrong. Yesterday though, she had a wisdom tooth out, and I got a rare chance to adult. (whee). My appointed task was to drive to KFC, collect food and return home, hopefully without incident.

Siri suggested a sensible route of larger city highway, under an overpass and there I would find the KFC. Easier than falling off a log.

As I pulled up at the light beneath the overpass. I couldn’t help but see a large gathering of Trump supporters. Mostly Boomer folks, waving assorted Trump 2020 flags intermingled with confederate flags, the “thin blue line flag” and an eye-catching gray flag with a black AK-47 on it.

My mind wandered at the long light; What would you call a group of Trump Supporters?

“Pigs” as a puppy. Does this dog look like an asshole?

Grumble of Pugs, Murder of Crows, Unkindness of Ravens, Stench of Skunks, a Knot of Toads – all taken. I was at a loss.

The light soon changed, and my mind shifted back to the task at hand. Four KFC Famous bowls, a Diet Pepsi, and three Dr. Peppers. On the return trip, I noticed a few counter-protesters had gathered a safe distance from the Trumpers, with black hoodies and black gloves, standing silently with raised fists.

As I passed under the overpass, I really hoped I would not end up stopped in front of the Trumpers, but naturally, that is exactly what happened. Busses can be hatefully timed at rush hour. I couldn’t help but study the spectacle. It was like a rotting carcass being devoured by a pack of vultures, revolting yet so interesting.

It’s true, she is an asshole, seen here warming said hole in the sun.

My musing was broken when someone thumped on my window and yelled:

“Your dog is a fucking asshole”

Startled, (on several levels), I muted Nine Inch Nails, turned, cracked the window down and asked the gentleman; “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Your dog is a god damn communist asshole.”

Now it might be my condition, or my relative fearlessness, but my mind turned to what in the hell could have so triggered this freak of nature.  I ignored his rants. “How did he know I had a dog?” Antifa! “Think think think.” Socialist! “Is this happening, or did I forget my pills this morning?”

Triggered!

Finally, it hit me. The magnet I took off the old freezer we just tossed out.  ‘My Dog is a Democrat’.

Just as traffic was moving, I looked up at him and said “Yeah, and she’s black too.”

“Fuck You!”

As I drove home, I decided on: A vitriol of Trump Supporters.

Update: Driving past the intersection today, right in the middle of where the story unfurled was a large “NO TRESPASSING” sign “BY ORDER OF SEMINOLE COUNTY SHERIFF”. somehow my dog and I feel safer. 🙂

Devo : 37

“I’m envious of your IQ of 37”

About the Author

The Orchid Thief

John Edward Laroche (born February 19, 1962, in Florida) is an American horticulturist who was arrested for poaching wild ghost orchids while working for the Seminole natives in the Fakahatchee Strand State Preserve in Florida. The subsequent trial brought him to the attention of Susan Orlean, who wrote an article for The New Yorker and the book The Orchid Thief about him. After the events of the Orchid Thief, he shifted careers to Computer Science. Notably, he went on to work for both National Geographic and the Smithsonian Institution designing school-age learning tools and online curricula.

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